I’m having a rough night and I need to talk about it.
#realtalkwiththeFFK
For the past two years, I have slowly gained 30 pounds back from my lowest weight of about 225 pounds. Want to hear the weirdest part? I didn’t know why until tonight.
So yes, two years ago I did start a new job and I thought that was why for a long time. But today, I finally realized what happened that first week of work that created this mess.
Dear reader, it’s weird…
Here we go…
In my office at work, I have two screens: my MacBook Pro laptop screen and my 24″ Apple monitor which is perfect for Photoshop and other design programs. A few weeks in to my new job, I turned off the monitor and I saw myself, my 225 pound self, in the screen. Then a voice that was essentially non-existent in my life, or at least one that had been silent for years, popped into my brain. “Holy crap! You are still fat! You know that, right?” It was like years of suppressed negativity crashed through my mental fortress of positivity. At that moment, I stopped loving myself. From that moment on, I saw a fat version of myself in that screen and any other reflective surface for that matter. I even saw it today and told myself the same thing. It felt like after that day, instead of working harder in the gym (which still wasn’t the right answer), I ate my feelings and essentially lost any amount of self-control I had.
I know this doesn’t make any sense. Please don’t try to explain how the image I see in the screen is a refraction so it’s larger. I knew that then and I know that now. Sadly, none of that matters to the part of my brain that controls my self image. All it sees is a fat Nathan. I think the reality of it is that I hadn’t confronted a lot of the serious body image issues I had dealt with all my life. I guess I kept them in check by losing weight and exercising. Eventually, those successes wore off and my guard was down. This is a lot of the reason why I’ve been silent on the blog for the past few years. I haven’t valued my success myself the way I should.
So now what? Now that I’ve figured out this possible root cause, how do I make this gain just a slight detour in my life? To be honest, I’m not too sure. I do, however, feel like a small proverbial weight has been lifted off my chest. I know it will take time to lose those 105,000 calories, but I’m ready to get back in the right direction.
More importantly though, I’m ready to love myself again.
100% tribe love. Can’t wait to see you at fitbloggin. The loving yourself struggle us legit. I have to work on it daily, even more so than the diet and exercise.
Super hugs, man. The self-love bit is so necessary and so tough. It’s my big mountain to climb right now too. You’ll get there. I’ve got your back.
This was such a great post! I feel like I am in the same exact boat… I stopped loving myself and became too wrapped up with society’s expectations of what I need to be doing. Something I’ve been doing recently that has helped (and hopefully is helpful for you) is going back to old HEALTHY habits. I have been doing what I did exercise and eating-wise when I first began this weight-loss journey to remind myself of why I started. When I started, I cared about my health/health education and it was so much easier to shed the pounds, gain confidence, maintain healthier habits, etc (all that fun stuff we are familiar with when the healthy journey begins). For example, I actually have been cutting down my gym time or mixing up my routine. Rather than spending an hour on the treadmill, then another 30 on the bike then another 30 doing weights, I might run for 2 or so miles and do some yoga/light weights after. The routine first mentioned is something I was able to do when I was at my fittest… I’ve since gained 50+ pounds (thanks college) and can’t quite keep up. I get so upset when I can’t do what I used to and it only discourages me. Or maybe I will walk for an hour on a nice trail… It has brought me closer to myself (if that makes sense haha) and lessened the anxiety I have about losing weight. It’s kind of like hitting the reset button! Good luck and I hope this maybe helps even a smidge!
Okay, so posts like this make me feel like I’m not alone in this. For me, we’re talking 60 pounds, but the feelings, more importantly, the reasons behind them are eerily similar.
I don’t have the answer….not. even. close. I do have an incredible amount of respect and adoration for you, and I’m thankful for your honesty on this.
I wrote a similar post today on my own blog. I poured my heart out, and now all I know is that I have to move forward somehow…
Thanks for reminding me that there are people who understand…
I’m here for you! I’ve been in a bit of a funk these past couple of weeks, too.
We all have setbacks and deal with disappointment. Don’t quit! It might be difficult and slow-going, but you need to keep pushing forward.
I’ve got tons of love and respect for you! Don’t forget to love and respect yourself!
Hugs, brother!
I know exactly what you are feeling…I’ve been there over and over…it’s why I have been able to lose weight and then it comes right back again……until now….I spent almost 2 years with a dietitian and therapist battling emotional eating, food rules, voices in my head, anxiety, poor body image…you name it……it was a tough road, I’m not done yet…..but if I can overcome..so can you…there are people who can help if you just ask…..just know, you are NOT alone.
You are amazing. This post wrecked me when you said you stopped loving yourself that day. Audible sigh on my end…
I don’t know why this has happened, but I absolutely know you’ll emerge stronger on the other side.
Really hope to.see you in Denver, my friend.
This makes perfect sense to me (in the sense that I totally understand what that image had to do with your subsequent feelings). Sending heaps of support to you, my #Tallahassee fitness friend!
Look, I’m not going to sit here and tell you not to feel that way about yourself. Truth is, it happens. Another truth, you recognize what the root of the problem is and you are taking charge to change it. There is no change without change. The biggest thing I will tell you is DON’T let those down moments validate your life. Those moments are fleeting and just tests and obstacles on the journey. You are smart and strong and this too shall pass. Love yourself, find out what you want and go after it, my friend. You can do it!
Take care of you. You deserve it and are worth the work.
You’ve got this, but you don’t need to do it alone. I’m here for you, let me know how I can help!
You are not what you do. You are free to fail.
My struggle has never been with weight, but rather with perfectionism and people-pleasing. I can get so anxious over my mistakes that I shut down and quit trying.
It’s not that different from looking in the mirror and saying to yourself subconsciously, “I am what I look like.” I just look at my performance and say, “I am what I do.”
So I tell myself daily that I am free to fail. Because who I am is a child of the Most High God, and He looks at me and says, “Perfection.” He says the same about you, too. You are loved and perfectly created. You are free to fail.
I find that I can only truly be free when I am free to fail.
New Tribe member here- and ME TOO! Man, I needed to hear this today as I gear up to get started, not only myself, but my family. It won’t be perfect, but we’ll do it. Our way. You got this, my new friend
Great insight. I have been struggling myself. Can’t wait to see you at Fitbloggin’.